@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@Donna_McCoy

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

@Donna_McCoy

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

@Donna_McCoy

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

@Donna_McCoy

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

@Donna_McCoy

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

@Donna_McCoy

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

@Donna_McCoy

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.