
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.