Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.