[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.