We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.