Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I can fix him.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
#StillHurts
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.