people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
You got this…
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”