My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.