A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You Might Also Like
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Breaking news:
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz