Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
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In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Thursday
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…