@Elizasoul80 Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
@Elizasoul80 [God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
@Elizasoul80 The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
@Elizasoul80 [my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
@Elizasoul80 Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
@Elizasoul80 Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
@Elizasoul80 Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
@Elizasoul80 Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
@Elizasoul80 First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
@Elizasoul80 My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”