My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
How loud can you talk?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.