[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.