when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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when you order from DoorDastardly
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I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
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a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree![]()
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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