@English_Channel fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
@English_Channel when revenge coincides with naptime
@English_Channel that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
@English_Channel 100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
@English_Channel your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
@English_Channel if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
@English_Channel me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
@English_Channel customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
@English_Channel I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
@English_Channel I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”