you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”