My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
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I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
the three branches of government
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh