@Fickle_Filly

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

@Fickle_Filly

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@Fickle_Filly

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

@Fickle_Filly

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

@Fickle_Filly

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

@Fickle_Filly

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

@Fickle_Filly

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.