waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok


me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it


daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be


[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots


[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes


if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm


interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened


[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off


inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them