[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does