
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one