@FredTaming waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
@FredTaming 
@FredTaming me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
@FredTaming daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
@FredTaming [ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
@FredTaming [ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
@FredTaming if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
@FredTaming interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
@FredTaming [ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
@FredTaming inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
@FredTaming me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person