tinder profile where the fish is holding me
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
(2022)
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much