Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.