ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
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Just had my nails done!
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
buying dead houseplants to save time
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Blew out my flip flop…