Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*slides teller a note*
M: uh huh
T: *slides me a lollipop*
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down
“You’re free,” I whisper.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.