@GinAndJif

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

@GinAndJif

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

@GinAndJif

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

@GinAndJif

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

@GinAndJif

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

@GinAndJif

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@GinAndJif

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

@GinAndJif

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.