Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school