Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.