mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
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Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl