me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot


doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!


doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards


wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?


me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor


me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t


me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun


[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby


me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?


[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation