Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
You Might Also Like
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Hit me in the face with a bird
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.