If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
are there any atheist mantises?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.