When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?