My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.