wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow