I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
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Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car