This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.