I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes