[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
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I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.