@GuyEndoreKaiser

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

@GuyEndoreKaiser

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?