We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?