My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
You Might Also Like
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
CUTE CAT‼︎
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*