Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.