@HatfieldAnne

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

@HatfieldAnne

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

@HatfieldAnne

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

@HatfieldAnne

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

@HatfieldAnne

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

@HatfieldAnne

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

@HatfieldAnne

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

@HatfieldAnne

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

@HatfieldAnne

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.