When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
i now pronounce you bounced.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.