Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles