I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup