@Henry_3000

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

@Henry_3000

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

@Henry_3000

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

@Henry_3000

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

@Henry_3000

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

@Henry_3000

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@Henry_3000

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

@Henry_3000

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

@Henry_3000

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

@Henry_3000

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.