Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.