@HomeProbably

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

@HomeProbably

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

@HomeProbably

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

@HomeProbably

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

@HomeProbably

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.