@HomeProbably

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

@HomeProbably

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

@HomeProbably

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

@HomeProbably

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

@HomeProbably

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

@HomeProbably

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

@HomeProbably

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

@HomeProbably

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

@HomeProbably

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

@HomeProbably

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.