@HomeProbably I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
@HomeProbably @HomeProbably My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
@HomeProbably Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
@HomeProbably After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
@HomeProbably Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
@HomeProbably Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
@HomeProbably Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
@HomeProbably Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
@HomeProbably GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
@HomeProbably I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.