When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
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“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.