I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
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911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.