“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex