@Ideal_Victoria Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
@Ideal_Victoria @Ideal_Victoria I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
@Ideal_Victoria Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
@Ideal_Victoria Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
@Ideal_Victoria My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
@Ideal_Victoria Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
@Ideal_Victoria Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
@Ideal_Victoria On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
@Ideal_Victoria Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
@Ideal_Victoria [At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?